I tried as well, when I was a lot younger. First time was when I was around 8-9 years old...I was terribly depressed when I was that age, and it never even occurred to me that you could kill yourself until I went to a Christian camp and attended a seminar on suicide. Tried it as soon as I came home.....and a number of times after.....

When I became a teenager, I reached a point where I decided that I would never do it again, even if that meant I had to carry all of my depression on my shoulders for the rest of my life....and this idea became somewhat of a source of inspiration to me....I was so depressed it was crippling, but I would not fall all of the way down..I would take it all on...all of it.....I would never take that one last step, and that would be my home, where I would exist....Where all I could do was live in my negativity constantly.....usually drunk out of my tree....but it was so bad I couldn't associate with anyone.....I'd spend all of my time alone....just dwelling on what had made me fall so low...

The harder things got, the more comfortable I became with the situation.....when I felt moments of strength, I would almost fight them back down to get to that familiar sadness I had gotten so used to....I would have to use alcohol or other things to find that pure pain and just sit there and take it....face it.....remain there torment myself with it...I reached a point where I could not feel comfortable with myself unless I was morbidly depressed.....I didn't know how to be any other way.....

At some point, however, I decided it was time. Time to reach for the next level and try to pull out.....It took quite a while......about ten years....I returned to grade 9 when I was 20 (surrounded by 14 year olds)....started working odd jobs...did volunteer work to help other people who were as low as I was.....got my high school...slowly started to pull away from all of the negativity....and for one last push....about 8 years into my "cleansing" I quit drinking and lived in a Buddhist temple for a year doing nothing but meditation.....I even went to (what was previously Tibet) and became ordained as a monk and lived as one for one year......And for the most part.....I erased that part of me that held me down.....

It still exists tho.......and sometimes it comes back.....hard....but I face it down with a lot more conviction now.....and a much more positive method. I decided really early that nobody would ever succeed in taking me out.....especially not me!! However, I also know that it is not a battle that everyone wins.....and I've lost a lot of friends who could not find that fight in themselves to "force" their existance upon the world....

Do what you have to do friend, but I really hope that you have exhausted every other option before you try again. Everyone is worth something....I found out my value by helping other people...In the end I found it is easier to help people with their pain rather than face my own, but in doing so I got rid of a lot of the ropes that were holding me down......May not help you.....but I'd rather suffer myself than make those around me suffer the loss of me.....You are never as alone as you think....

My two cents.

Carry on.....

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.


It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens
us.


We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, and fabulous?


Actually, who are you not to be?


You are a child of God.


Your playing small doesn't serve the world.


There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so


that other people won't feel insecure around you.


We are all meant to shine, as children do.


We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is
within us.


It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.


And as we let our own light shine,


we unconsciously give other


people permission to do the same.


As we are liberated from our own fear,


our presence automatically liberates others."

* Nelson Mandela's Inaugural Speech *

Death , is an eternal state while Life is temporarily fleeting process . There will be an eternity spent in Death's embrace , what we need to do whilst inhabiting these temporal bodies is to embrace Life.

Mia ♥