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Year of Restoration (Personal)...

This post is just a personal update of some sort, you dont need to read it if youre not into that sort of thing, its just for personal reminder. I just leave this as "open letters" to myself for various reasons, that is all.

Its been nearly two months since i burried my grandfather, yet somehow it still feel that hes still alive, minding his own business... of course my grandmother was twisting and turning on her grave for nearly nine years, and so now that he has rejoined with her, she can finally rest... and so can we. I call it "burried" although it was just shoving his casket into a tomb next to my grandmother's and aunt. And although he was more of a father than my father ever will be, no tears were shed from me except when his casket was closed for the last time after me and my sister gave our last goodbyes, perhaps in a moment of pure sudden realization to see one that i never once imagined dead so soon, being so calm and cold, on his last journey and putting an end to his final chapter of his Book of Life... but i ended up realizing more than just that in the end. Although i had noticed it before in other situations, i started to think that in fact i did become bitter over the years ever since my heart was "shut down" by my Guardian. Maybe im just overreacting a bit and its all just an aging effect, but the fact is that i actually need to make alot of effort to feel anything through my heart... Nevertheless, in a certain way it gives me that advantage that puts me in a complete sober state, so i dont do things driven by emotions... unless they are driven by hatred and anger, but those feelings reside in my blood, not in my heart. In other case, it can prove itself to be disadvantageous when trying to understand other's feelings, and in a world where for one to survive often needs the reliability of others, even if they aspire to become fully independent, its not all that good in the end.

The death of my grandfather happened  two weeks before it marked the end of that hard period that i once refered to as my "Year of Disapointments"... what a way to end such event with a bang. What was so disapointing about it is that he could have survived for several more years dispist his health problems, but due to his stubborness his line was drawn short... maybe it was for the best. Anyways... although the Astrals points out to the end of this dreadful and disapointing year for me, i shall keep my guard up in case theres some more decieving events arround the corner. Everything leaves residues, and this should be no exception. In any case, allways expect to be disapointed, and you shall not be disapointed.

As the dust settles, and after some examination to my astral charts, the majority of the events points out to what can only be described as a "time of restoration", starting from the earliest of October up to the next year. I dont remember the specific transit that marked it, but certain planetary houses where those planetary transits are positioned are indeed favorable to me, and Jupiter is strong on this period. I also started noticing a smooth period on my daily life, things are kinda easier, the ambient is lightier, and even old lost contacts are returning to the routine, it almost feels like a vacation after such a rough time... weither this is just the eye of a storm or not, its very welcomed and gives me a breathing space... This refreshing notion allows me to think clearer on important life aspects, but even if things seems to be "restauring" to normal, giving it a taste of the past, i cant expect everything to be as before. I changed, im more aware of my capabilities, and Chiron itself has taught me that certain things cannot be recovered. Not all is joyful, as it should, and im content with it. The sacrifices made are being payed up with wisdom, and that wisdom is proving itself to be finally useful on this strange times.

While the time passes i feel some sort of immunity towards things that once brought me down in the past. Have i become stronger, or did my weaknesses just got eliminated? I see others affected by it, and all i can do is giving them my support. I choose to support them because in a way it makes me feel useful to be able to drag others outside their dire situations. I might be heartless but im still able to work things up for the benefit of all, maybe thats the major advantage about my current situation, even if is just for a selfish excuse where that just means "i help them, they help me". Its nothing but a fair exchange, when nothing in life is ever fair for the unfortunate, for i am one of those unfortunate and i managed to adapt to that, and now i can help others do the same if im given that chance, and no, i dont cosider myself an "hero" for that, just a casual "good samaritan"...

After some inner meditation and reflection, i recently understood that im divided by three different Wills... where feelings and reason still clashes everyday. Nothing new in that, except for the third one, or so i believe... Either if any of them is related to my Guardian, i cant really tell for sure. On one side im still patiently waiting for my time to come, as im just too tired of everything already... It doesnt feel that this world has anything else to offer, and i cant certainly expect anything from its people unless its more disapointment... there are some exceptions to be applied though. On the other side, i use that same patience to observe such world and wait for one that fails to disapoint me to give it a new meaning and future expectations from this world... sounds pretty unrealistic, but only time can tell. The world by itself is a beautiful place, its nature is stunning, and its secrets even more so, and through observing it and its surroundings gives me a new will to carry on seeing more from it. You just never know what surprises it holds, as you never know the day of tomorow...

And that takes me to my third Will that i found recently. This brings out my old optimism to the surface at its fulliest, it picks up a bit of both first Wills and mixes them up to an harmonious solution... and i've been thinking about this before. This third Will gives me a valid option of life. I know that im more prone to live on my own, independent from anyone, in pure celibacy, so if my life carries on as it is, ill be acceptive to that, because its in silence and loneliness where i can focus and meditate well on most things, its in silence and loneliness where i feel well and calm, way less frustrated to the toxic situations of the outside, because its in silence and loneliness that i lived the majority of my life. And to be fair, im ready to accept it more than anything else if it comes to that point... Sir Isac Newton, for example, chose this path, and so did Nikola Tesla as far as im aware, and that "sacrifice" of the mundane has led them to a life of success. Although i dont have the same vocation as them, i certainly cant expect the same results by any stretch of the imagination, but as allways, nothing is certain, so whatever comes first, im entirely bound to the Astral's wishes, and its plan to lead my life towards this new year.

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