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The Boy Who Wanted to be Uhura

When I was a little kid watching Star Trek the character I thought of myself as the most was Lt. Uhura. Part of it was that I liked electrical things and radios. There were other times as a kid I thought of myself as the female characters. As far as I remember it started before puberty but being shy and introverted and with parents who were traditional Christians who thought being gay was bad I kept it to myself. I felt like a girl but I was confused and a bit scared of it because from what I was taught to my thinking that was bad and I'd go to hell. Who knows how much different my life would be if I had been more outgoing and pushed my feelings of identifying as a girl or if my parents could have had thoughtful understanding in that direction. So as I got to puberty instead of me expressing my feminine side openly these feeling got turned into a secret "perversion" in my head. Mom caught me crossdressing a couple times and basically she told me she didn't want me to do that and there was no discussion on the matter. It was to be forgotten. One time I got caught I think back to I think inside I wanted to get caught and just let it happen because I could have avoided it. Looking back at that time I now have a lot of anger about it; being so confused with my feelings, feeling like I'm wrong and having no one at all I could trust and talk to. Just totally alone with these feelings and no guidance at all. On top of that mom was already taking me to psychologists and trying different meds because I wasn't doing well in school because my mind wasn't receptive to learning the way that schools taught. I would basically kind of shutdown and not do the work or tests. I was curious in the extreme though and learned lots of stuff on my own reading all kinds of science and other non-fiction text books I would get at the library as well as observe nature and do all sorts of experiments with stuff. So I already thought of myself as kinda mental and a misfit. It wasn't until my 20's that I began to understand my feminine side more and over the years became gradually to express it. I was by then established as a man and didn't see a way out of that and took a long time to evolve away from that.

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